untanglingknots.com

Monday, April 21, 2008

Guess who decided that he's an official full-time walky walker now? And guess who also decided that he's way too independent and cool to hold Mom's hand at the store, too.

This whole growing up thing is happening way too fast.

Labels: Nate

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (30)

On Bikinis and Buttons

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I am slightly obsessed about our upcoming trip to Vegas. And by slightly obsessed, I mean visiting the website of every hotel on the strip, and then finding menus to all of their restaurants to scope out the tastiest and most romantic fine dining available. I have also mapped out all the Quiznos and where to buy a case of beer to take to our hotel room that can be kept chilled in our bathroom sink from the free ice provided by the hotel. Because we’re classy like that.

Also on my mind is our plan to spend our mornings defogging our cloudy post Vegas night life heads by the pool and the inevitable wearing of a bathing suit that will ensue. I have this little number that I wore on my honeymoon in Jamaica. It's wickedly indecent, and clearly designed to hug and cling to pre-pregnancy, sylphlike curves. Today, it no longer looks so cute after two C-section’s and the pesky resulting WTF roll/bump thing above my scar. I’d love to be able to wear that bikini again though, and have started sharing my breakfast with Nate to cut back on the amount of food I eat in a day. Judging by the amount of bagel that he eats, I should be down ounces by the time we leave in June.

And now I must pretend that I did not hear the sound of myself baking a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies.

La-la-la. Visions of ~~cookies~~ wearing cute bikini dancing in my head. La-la-la.

~ - ~

Just this past week, Nate has taken a sudden interest in speaking. In addition to his two word lexicon of Mum-Mum and Dada, he’s suddenly all about the ai-yai-yai’s. I believe this loosely translates as, dear god woman, brush your hair already.

He can also now say mamoon (balloon), dug (dog) and hat (hat).

The most surprising thing to come out of his mouth though, happened the other night while Mark and I were watching TV. Nate has this annoying penchant for pushing buttons. And I don’t just mean those invisible buttons that kids push to grate on their parent’s last nerve. I mean the kind of buttons found on electronic equipment that have the potential to dial long distance to Tokyo and to turn off the TV at the exact same moment something very important is about to happen on Flip That House.

So, whenever Nate gets push happy, I say, “don’t touch”. This is usually met with a coyly rebellious raising of the eyebrows, which is immediately followed with him touching the button directly next to the one I just told him not to touch. Except the other night, instead of blatant defiance when I told him not to touch the buttons on the TV , he said, clear as day, “don’t touch.”

Mark and I looked at each other in complete awe, because it did not even sound like our kid. The tone of his voice was seriously stern and grown up, and if I didn’t know better, I would have sworn he was momentarily possessed by his mother.

Labels: Nate, Vacation

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (13)

Of High-Fiving and Somersaults

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

So, how can you tell if someone was a pet owner before a commander of kids? Easy – they teach both the pint-sized human and the fur-covered mammal the same tricks.

Except maybe for the part where Nate’s doing somersaults. Samson hasn’t quite mastered how to roll over on his head yet, but we’re working on it. He’s just having a hard time on account of his elbows and torso being in all the wrong places.

Also, no need to worry about pointing out what a hot little number my red slippers and pink pants make. I am so in the know on that one. Or not.

Labels: Nate, Samson, Video

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (15)

Takes after his father

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Have you seen Nate’s peas?

I wonder where they could be.

Labels: Nate

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (8)

The Reluctant Ring Bearer

Friday, February 15, 2008

My brother is getting married next Friday. And if he had it his way, a brand spanking new baby would be delivered on his doorstep the next morning. He loves kids,wholly, passionately and deeply, and Nate is lucky to have an Uncle as incredible as my brother. In the same breath that he announced his wedding to us, he asked Nate to be the ring bearer. Nate was only a few weeks old at the time, and we excitedly accepted the honour and turned our attention to visions of a smiling tuxedo-clad toddler with rosy cherub cheeks making his way down the aisle.

Um, yeah. And now that I am about a million light years less naïve about babies, I can just picture what it will really be like: Nate, in a tulle-wrapped stroller being pushed down the aisle by the flower girls, salt-pale and fearful, cheeks stained with tears, billowing angry wails emanating from all directions and reverberating off the cathedral ceiling before bouncing back with a drum-splitting force into the ears of sympathetic, cringing onlookers.

Seriously, ever since that episode in daycare, he’s been a different child. Clingy, moody and, well, clingy and moody. We went to visit a friend last week, a place he’s been before, and yet this time, I could not put him down without him freaking out. I even took him into the washroom with me, and when I set him down, to, um, pee, he lost it and sobbed tears that could drown a small village. Same goes for play dates and any and all contact with humans who do not bear a striking resemblance to Mark or myself.

This inability to leave my child’s side outside the home is making me increasingly weary and testing levels of patience that my inherently impatient disposition did not know it had.

At home he’s fine. He plays quietly on his own, stacks shapes and builds unidentifiable creations with mega blocks, but the second we leave the house, the only way to keep him from a blowing a gasket is to ensure he is nestled securely in the comfortable alcove of my maternal hip.

I don’t know what to do. It’s too late to pull out of the wedding now, isn’t it? And besides, his part in this wedding is so important to my family, my brother.

But here I go again with that whole thing about balancing the equation of life, and I know this is just a phase and all, but I can’t help be aware that my son’s shell is fragile, and that sending him down a long aisle lined with unfamiliar faces is going to do nothing but further damage his wavering trust and perpetuate his insecurities around strangers.

On the other hand, part of being human means coming in contact with other humans not accompanied by ones mother. This is a lesson he must learn someday, right?

He’s just so objectionably loud about that whole process though.

Maybe I’m looking at this all the wrong way, and maybe the answer is really simple; supply everyone with ear plugs.

Or, maybe I will just have to join the wedding procession and march my little ring bearer down the aisle myself.

Labels: Nate, Thinking Out Loud

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (23)

Next Order of Parenting Business: Grow a Backbone

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

So, WOW. I totally didn’t expect such an overwhelming response to my kid getting booted out of daycare. Thank you so much for your super duper awesome feedback.

Honestly? I was expecting at least someone to tell me that I must be overlooking something, and that the only logical conclusion here is that I am breeding a monster with inexcusable behaviour. I feel much better now after reading your responses. And looking back on the situation, I can’t believe I just sat there, questioning my parenting abilities, while the daycare provider berated my son and then proceeded to sing praise about how gifted her (now grown up) son is. God, I really need to grow myself a backbone don’t I?

You know what my biggest fault is, I think? Two things actually: I worry too much about other people’s feelings and I have too much self-doubt. The former has just been a part of who I am for as long as I can remember, and although I don’t think being nice has ever hindered me, it has limited my ability to stand up for myself. But you know, I think there is something to be said about taking the high road over lashing out. But the latter? Not like me at all.

Is the constant fluctuating between feeling firm in your convictions one minute, and then taking a sudden nose-dive dip of uncertainty the next just par for the course of motherhood? Does it ever go away, or is parenthood a perpetual shuffle of second-guessing yourself and then second-guessing yourself some more?

In any case, I’m quickly learning that there is no such thing as black or white when it comes to parenting, and that the gray matter in between is expansive and subjective and more often than not, there is no right answer to be found, just different approaches.

Navigating the vast andromeda of motherhood would be so much easier if all of this gray matter would just get out of my way though.

I’m just saying.

Oh, and you’ll never guess who finally got his haircut last weekend.

Labels: Nate, The Learning Curve

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (19)

It’s nothing personal, but it kind of feels that way

Friday, February 1, 2008

While searching for a daycare provider here in Ajax, it quickly became apparent that the one day a week schedule was not something most providers were interested in, mostly because it fills a potential full time spot. I can totally understand this from a financial perspective.

Of the few that were open to one day a week, I decided to meet with the two providers that made the best first impression over the phone.

After meeting them, I ended up choosing a provider that came highly recommended from a personal friend of mine whose opinion I value and trust. She sent her own child there, and had nothing but glowing feedback.

This is where I’m trying to take a step back to see the forest through the trees, so to speak, because just like my friend, I instantly felt comfortable with this woman. Her home was bright and cheerful, the air was filled with the smell of freshly baked muffins and her eyes shimmered with warmth and compassion. She has over a decade of experience, and when she swooped down to pick Nate up in her arms, he uttered nary a peep, nor a whimper, and he seemed perfectly content in her presence and the surroundings. Another bonus was that she only cares for pre-school kids, so all of the other children were very similar in age to Nate.

I left her home feeling confident that she was the perfect caregiver for Nate’s weekly day out to spend in the company of other children.

Fast forward to last Friday. When I woke Nate up in the morning, I excitedly explained to him that he was going to spend the day playing with other kids, and while I packed his lunch and milk, I kept reminding him how much fun he was going to have.

Before walking out the door, I made sure to grab his blankie, an item of comfort and security, because I can only imagine how scary the first time being away from home for an extended period of time must be to a child.

Although the daycare provider said she generally recommends a quick drop off, because it was his first day, she encouraged me to linger around for a bit. When it was time to go, Nate started crying, and as much as it hurt to leave him while he was upset, there wasn’t much else that I could do besides say goodbye, turn around and leave.

Shortly after 1:00 pm, I called to see how Nate was doing, and that’s when she informed that he was experiencing some separation anxiety. Actually, she called it extreme separation anxiety and said that he didn’t want anything to do with the other kids and just sort of wanted to sit off on his own, thumb planted firmly in his mouth, blankie securely anchored next to him, and observe. This surprised me and it didn’t surprise me all at the same time because if I had to describe Nate, I would probably peg him as a thoughtful observer. I’m not sure how an outsider would describe it, but he has never been one to barrel head first into new situations. For example, when it comes to other kids, he likes to watch and observe from a safe distance for a few moments before cautiously approaching new playmates. This cautious observation is always accompanied by several over the shoulder glances in my direction, which I have understood as his way of seeking security and encouragement. And here he was, the first time ever without me there to encourage him, and my poor child was uneasy and scared.

I asked if I should just go and pick him up, but she said he was having a nap and that maybe after a good rest he would be more relaxed, and encouraged me to let him continue with his day.

In hindsight, I should have just drove and picked him up right then and there, but I waited until 4:45 pm, and that’s when I learned the rest of the story.

This is where it gets hard to not sound a bit defensive, because although I recognize that her years of experience far outweight the one year that I have had the privilege to parent a child, and although I am a firm believer in feedback, both positive and negative, what followed next felt like nothing but a whole slew of negative feedback about my child, and I can't imagine that would be easy for any parent to hear.

So in light of sounding defensive, let me just present the facts, void of my own biases and opinions. My hope is that maybe you will see something I'm missing, because I really liked this woman, and I’m having a hard time seeing past all the negativity.

Basically, Nate didn’t stop crying, which she said was, “disruptive to her business,” because his crying upset the other kids, and although she said he seemed fine once he was being held, it just wasn’t feasible for her to hold him all day. For the record, at home, it is rare that he clears time from his play schedule for cuddling.

Also noted was some screaming. She said she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it meant. At home Nate is not a screamer, so I couldn’t quite put my finger on what he would have been trying to communicate either.

She also indicated that she thought he was developmentally behind with the social skills of a ten month old. In her words, “this is the problem with a one year maternity leave,” and “parents should start easing kids into daycare by three months.”

She reminded me that by Nate’s age (13 months), most kids are walking. She also made several references to the fact that he drank from his sippy cup the wrong way, that he was a very slow eater, and that he had a strong attachment to his blankie.

Although she didn’t exactly say to not come back, she did say that she didn’t think he was ready for daycare, and that if we continued, it would be an extremely long and difficult process due to his extreme separation anxiety. I inquired about easing him into daycare more slowly, and say, trying half days to start, but she wasn’t interested in doing that and suggested instead that if Nate was able to walk, he may have easier time interacting with the other kids. She said to think about what she said over the weekend and to get back in touch with her, but then as we were leaving, said “actually yeah, I think it’s better if you waited a while to bring him back.”

Which I totally gathered was her polite way of saying she wasn’t interested in caring for Nate anymore.

I’m not saying my child is all sunshine and roses, because we most certainly have a pail full of diapers to prove otherwise, but the fact that Nate has separation anxiety, even extreme seperation anxiety, sounds pretty normal to me.

I don’t know, I’m trying to be objective, but what do you think? Could she have been trying to tell me something about my child that she feels would have been overstepping her bounds so she was trying to deliver subtle clues and hints about his behaviour that could be a red flag for something else? Developmental issues? Behavioral issues? Something we should be working on? Improving? Or is she just not interested in dealing with Nate? Or?

On a lighter note - here is the little mischief maker himself, in the flesh, being a walky walker (sort of) and a squealy squealor of delight.

Labels: Nate, The Learning Curve, Video

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (74)

It's Nothing Personal

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My Friday without Nate last week, my day to pursue personal interests, my day to think, bathe and breathe air, toddler free, was totally wonderful, thank you very much.

That is, until the bomb dropped.

I spent the morning working on an article, and then since it was too cold and windy in the afternoon to go running outside, and because I am not a fan of the treadmill, I did some much needed cleaning instead, followed by a little bit of shopping, which included a trip to the beer store - where I got ID’d.

That totally made my day because I am almost ten years over the legal drinking age here in Ontario. It’s always the small things in life, eh? I was trying to be all nonchalant about it too, but I haven’t been to a beer store in ages and my ID was lost in the vast andromeda that is my bottleless mom purse, which is actually a woman’s business case with no less than 18 secret compartments that have slowly, over time, become the holder of goldfish crackers, wipes, diapers and a mountainous pile of Wal-Mart receipts to prove the perpetual need of said items. And do you think I could find my driver's license in all of that?

“I’m sorry, I know it’s in here somewhere”, I said as I began unloading the contents of my purse to speed up the search.

I'm thinking that unloading a stack of diapers at the beer store probably doesn't count as a shinning moment in motherhood greatness.

But then again, neither does finding out that after only one day, Nate was kicked out of daycare.

I am so not even kidding.

Labels: It's All About Me, Nate

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (25)

Barely Legal

Friday, January 25, 2008

There was a change in plans, and this morning I dropped Nate off at daycare.

It’s only been three hours, but this is the longest we have been apart, ever.

This feeling of total freedom feels barely legal. And a bit lonely.

Nate says, “Woman, go seek ye some peace in the form of a non-fat vanilla flavoured beverage.”

And who am I to argue with a pint-sized preacher of the caffeine gospel?

Labels: It's All About Me, Nate

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (16)

Cookie Face

Monday, January 7, 2008

Enjoying some ooey gooey chocolate chip cookies, fresh from the oven.

The chocolate covered face is supposed to be a clever distraction from the fact that I still have not brought my kid to get his hair cut.

Did it work?

Labels: Nate

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (11)

Transitions

Friday, January 4, 2008

My brother and his fiancee are getting married in February, and Nate is going to be their ring bearer. If my child is anything like the baby version of me though, chances are, he still won’t be walking by then. I was a gibber jabbering mouth-piece that took her sweet old time learning to walk. Instead, I focused on things like pointing and exercising my vocal cords excessively to ask my mom the same questions, over and over and over.

History, apparently, does repeat itself, because Nate enjoys nothing more than pointing at stuff, and with a brow raising inquisitiveness, exclaiming, “Ah?” Over, and over and over again.

~:~

Nate had his one year well baby check up yesterday. He weighs 17lbs, 12oz. Small, yes, but still plotting along a healthy weight gain curve. He pretty much entirely feeds himself now; sippy cup included, and has developed a deep affection for chicken breast. He can’t shovel the stuff in his mouth fast enough.

Speaking of breasts, I'm still breastfeeding, but just this week we’ve gone from twice to once a day. This has been a bit of an emotional tug-of-war for me. Part of me is sad to see him grow up and move onto other things besides wanting to snuggle in close with me, and part of me wants to hold on to that special time we share just a little while longer, but another part of me is ready to be finished.

I am also extremely proud of what my body has been able to accomplish this past year. Except for a few bottles of expressed breast milk during those early days of sleep deprivation, Nate was exclusively breastfed for his first year of life. Even his cereal was enriched with the goodness of breastmilk.

And now, my little boy has almost fully transitioned to whole milk. This is exactly how I hoped it would be when I started the process of weaning him; a deliberate transition, but slow enough to allow him to easily adjust to the change. As far as I can tell, he hasn’t missed it. For the past couple of months, he's been very clear that there is absolutely no room in his busy daytime play schedule for breastfeeding, and now, at night, we have compensated for not breastfeeding by spending lots of time snuggling in bed under the protective layer of his blankie, and the intrigue of a colourful story.

When we put him to sleep, he is down for the night within minutes. No fuss. No crying. Nothing but sweet dreams and the comfort of a knitted blanket to rub across his nose and a thumb to press against his lips. Honestly, I think it’s been harder on me. It’s hard to let go of something that has been such a huge part of me over this past year. But deep down, I am ready for both personal and health reasons.

And truthfully, a small part of me is looking forward to having my body back.

Labels: Boobs, Nate

Posted by karla : Permalink : Comments (19)