| Apple Juice |
I’ve hated apple juice my entire life. I hate the smell of it, the colour (it looks like pee), and I especially hate the taste.
When I was in the hospital after giving birth to Ava, all I was allowed to eat or drink for four days straight was apple juice and morphine. Once I asked for the intravenous morphine to be removed (I know I know …what WAS I thinking…) all that was left was apple juice, apple juice, and more apple juice.
I don’t know what happened along the way, but somehow, apple juice became etched in my memory bank and associated with those four days in the hospital and I just can’t stop drinking the vile liquid.
It was there with me through all the tears, drug induced sleep, hours and hours of pacing the halls where babies cried while I wept, and it was the last thing I remember taking a drink of when my husband and I finally asked the nurse to take Ava’s lifeless body from us and let her rest in the silence and peace she deserved.
Maybe I’m clinging to apple juice in hopes of never letting myself forget those memories at the hospital. A strange way of making sure I never forget…
The sad thing is, some of the memories have already started to become a blur, and although I know drinking apple juice doesn’t help keep those memories alive, I can’t seem to stop drinking it despite how much I detest it.
Labels: Grief and Loss, Thinking Out Loud |
Posted by karla : Permalink :
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Karla,
It's so heartbreaking what you and your husband have been going through.
Talk about it until you can't talk about it anymore, I think it will help you. We will always be here to listen to your words.
sad. i feel the pain.
i hope you feel better soon.
If that's your comfort blanket right now, let it be.
Your memories of Ava's short hours will fade and fall away over the years. But you'll always have a perfectly clear picture of the little miracle you held in your arms that day.
And (refering to your previous post), always feel free to vent. This is your peaceful place, right here, to be exactly what you are - to feel crappy and yell and scream and curse - those are some of the ingredients for a recipy of healing. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to say, "f*ck the world," cause I'm sure that's how you feel sometimes.
i always learned in school in all my trauma courses and training that memories can be stored in the "body" meaning through our senses. there is lots of talk about babies and children who experience trauma before they have the ability to use language and how this can be very damaging for the developing brain.
anyway so that make sense to me about the apple juice, just me two cents.
maybe you should abandon the beer and try some cider and see if you like that apple juice a little better!
it's werid that the hospital only serves apple. i know orange is too acidic when under diress but what about grape?? grape could be good.... i remember the apple too when i have to have surgery and coming out of at my drugged state!
I think it's nice that you equate apple juice and Ava. Admittedly, you don't like the stuff, but if it makes you think of her, then maybe you can change your thinking on it. I don't think you've forgotten anything, I just think it's kind of moved to the back of your mind. It will always be there, and she will always be with you.
:(
You are so sweet. I wish i had answers but all I have are speculations. Maybe you're trying to keep the memory alive? You never drank it before....and that's something that is only related to that time in your life.
Whatever you do, don't be afraid of moving on. Don't let satan trick you into thinking it's unfair to be happy without Ava. Life IS change and it's ok to be happy where you are without her. After all, she's sittin' pretty in the best damn place in the world! Heaven... :)
Its amazing the little things that can comfort us. Do you guys do councilling our anything, its heartbreaking, everytime I read something I about it I just want to hug you, and I don't even know you. There is no grief like the loss of a child, if apple juice gives you comfort then drink if (I can't stand the shit either blahhhh)
Once in a while when you feel the need to reconnect or remember Ava more vividly, you should get that apple juice out and toast your baby girl while rereading your words and looking at your precious pictures. It could become a nice ceremony/tradition.
Am I the only person who loves APPLE JUICE?
It's funny how the little things makes us remember.
I don't think you are forgetting her and I don't think you ever will.
If drinking the apple juice makes you remember her then keep drinking it. Who knows, it may grow on you and you will love the stuff just as much as I do.
Now whenever I go and drink a glass, I too will remember her.
HUGS.
It is interesting how the mind can work sometimes.
Maybe you could try a grape juice/apple combo that doesn't quite taste as bad to you?
Hugs....
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Previously...
Friday, August 05, 2005
Friday, August 05, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Monday, August 01, 2005
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
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captain_howdy_girl : August 08, 2005 
